a true smile …. part 2

a lot of times i get asked why i do not attend church, the short answer is i just do not like people. i guess i should say i just do not like being around people i do not know and have no real desire to get to know them, because i am only going to see them once a week.  no offense to those people they are probably good people. i am so use to being by myself its just natural for me to be that way. also when i am in an area with people i do not know i just get the feeling they are judging me one way or another.

the long answer is i have had a falling out of going to to church and it all started at my home town church. i do not even know what it was that caused it but one day i was not welcome at church any longer and the preacher wanted nothing to do with me.  i had several experiences with the different churches while at college one was just to far out there for me. by too far out there i mean standing up singing a worship song say a prayer another song, a reading a few more song stand up dance around. i am sorry if you go to churches like this i just like sitting  down and hearing a message so i can go home and reflect on that message and see what that message means to me. i am old skool. one church i was asked to leave because i made a statement one time about how i believe evolution is a work of God. does that mean i believe we came from monkey’s? no it does not.

my love for science is something i can not ignore. do i believe the earth was built in 7 days, no. However ask yourself this question. If God is all powerful and all knowing does he exist in our frame of time. no he doesn’t 7 days to God could mean 4.54 billion years to us. our sense of time is because we are mortal we die. what is time to a being that can not die? … am i right or am i wrong? who knows i can not claim any proof one way or another. only my speculations and what i want to believe is what i want to believe. each of us was given the free will to choose and the freedom to believe in our faith. i choose to believe what i see and what i find as truth. i am not going to go out there and tell everyone they are wrong we all have a choice to believe, but trust me there is no end to the line of people that like to tell me i am wrong.

as in my previous post, the bible teaches us to love each other. it also sets a list of guidelines to follow as we live our life and i believe if we live the best we can that is all we can do. if you do not like where you are heading in life switch directions open a new door. we need to love everyone, do not judge for it is not our place … and so i leave you with this.

Weep not for roads untraveled
Weep not for paths left alone
‘Cause beyond every bend
Is a long blinding end
It’s the worst kind of pain
I’ve known

Give up your heart left broken
And let that mistake pass on
‘Cause the love that you lost
Wasn’t worth what it cost
And in time you’ll be glad it’s gone


Weep not for roads untraveled
Weep not for sights unseen
May your love never end
And if you need a friend
There’s a seat here alongside me


a true smile…part one

what i do when i need answers i turn to what i believe is the truth of our lives. There are so many similarities among the religions people ignore. they forget why the words were written it wasn’t to be used as proof people are wrong. to point out someone else’s fault, because you believe differently. its to remind us there is hope, and it starts with letting go and living free of worry, free of the bitterness, be happy with what you have and loving each other. having a true smile. that is what it says … but no one truly sees that. i have lived a long time with nothing but hate in my heart. only recently have i begun to see what that hate has done to me. so i have begun the fight to let go of everything that i hate. no reason to hold on. no reason to never smile again, that hate prevented be from ever knowing what a true smile is.

Growing up was very hard for me. not having any true friends. going to school each and every day being made fun of for thirteen years by kids all i wanted to do was be friends with. For some reason i was not allowed to have those friends i was destined to be alone. My life has never been easy, but no one really has an easy life. my life is no different than anyone else’s life. but in my eyes it always look greener on the other side, however there is someone out there that sees me in greener pasture.

I have come to terms and im ready to share this with anyone that wants to read and if you disagree with what i have to say that’s fine i’m not posting to say i’m right you are wrong its not how i do things i’m posting my view and if you dont except it that fine by me you can leave.

i have had one person i have always kept close to me and that is my grandfather, grandpa salem. he is a man that lived for his family and worked hard to make that family happy. i can never remember that man without a smile on his face i never could remember him ever being angry. i’m sure my mom or my aunt and uncles may remember differently since he was the one that raised them. i was after all just his grandson. he was a good man taken from us too early. i believe we each have a start and finish in our lives and between those two points we have paths and doors to choose. we get to choose our own paths some are easier some are hard. some are right some are wrong, but we never know which until we choose. do i believe in God … yes i believe there is a God … do i believe the bible is the say all live all … no … to me the bible is a book of stories written to remind us how to live. However taken out of context the bible can say things that make people believe one thing over the other. just like anything else that is taken out context. that is how it is people translate and interpret differently. our problem is that the scriptures  should only be interpreted by us for us not by someone saying “this is how i read it so you must believe it the same way as i do”

i read some where cant remember where but something stuck with me…

Jesus taught two really big things “love one another.” and “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone” you know whats interesting is that Buddha said “Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.” then we have the Jews amazing even yet “Love your neighbor like yourself.” Second, “Examine the contents, not the bottle.” how about the Hindus you say “Do not get angry or harm any living creature, but be compassionate and gentle; show good will to all.” last but not least and you may hate me for adding this BUT Muhammad taught “A true Muslim is the one who does not defame or abuse others; but the truly righteous becomes a refuge for humankind, their lives and their properties.” also, “Do you love your creator? Love your fellow-beings first.”

they all taught to love one another. what do we do; well not that. They never said, love everybody except for (fill in the blank) they taught us to love each other not to pass judgment that is not our place. for each of us will be judged upon when it is our time.

all anyone today cares about is themselves or they only care about what they think is right and wrong when comparing their lives to others. we try to force everyone to see tunnel vision to only see one path, but that path is not the same for everyone. i sat down awhile ago and decided i didn’t want to follow everyone else’s path i only want my path that’s the only path i am going to be happy with. i let go of all those thing i hated about those kids i grew up with i forgive them for all the crap they put me through because later on in life i have met quite a few people who know the true me that know i am a good man. i can be myself with them. i don’t need the approval of anyone anymore. i am living my life for me one step at a time.closer to getting my true smile

so as i ponder how i want to say the rest of what is in my heart i leave you with this:

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Buddha said “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” …. coincidence probably not

our worlds

It’s sad,
How people lock themselves up,
In their own little world.

We lie to ourselves,
Say that everything’s alright,
Everythings fine.

We wear the mask,
And act the part,
And say it’s all part of the show.

We live in boxes,
See in darkness,
And speak in lies.

I’t’s our world
That we live in,
Why should it change?

Dreams of a Dreamed Adventure – Dark Woods

Now last time I had defeated an evil being of magic who could not give me any information of the shadows that took my light. I traveled forth towards dark woods Of course, it wasn’t always this way. Once it was noble, once it was powerful, once it ruled our lands. Not so now. After the storms and shadows loomed over us it ravished the woods and dark and evils things now lurk in its shadows.

I was nervous I knew traveling during the night through these woods was not a wise choice. I only had enough daylight to reach the edge of the woods and I dare not use my amulet any longer for the last battle I had evoked my berserker rage and it left my energy zapped and tired and I had not slept since that battle. I use to think of my rage a gift given to me of the gods. Kord is the storm god and the lord of battle. He revels in strength, battlefield prowess, and thunder. Fighters and athletes revere him. He is a mercurial god, unbridled and wild, who summons storms over land and sea; those who hope for better weather appease him with prayers and spirited toasts. . Kord is the son of Phaulkon and Syrul, and the grandson of Lendor. He is a foe of dragonkind, especially lawful evil dragons. Kord’s favorite heralds are titans. He wears a fighting girdle made from a red dragon’s hide, gauntlets from a white dragon’s hide, and boots from a blue dragon’s hide. He wields the greatsword Kelmar in battle. It is he that gave me this power not just me but my ancestors before me passed on through the ages.

His commands are simple: Be strong, but do not use your strength for wanton destruction. Be brave and scorn cowardice in any form. Prove your might in battle to win glory and renown. It is he that bestowed upon us that gift of rage. Anger was all I ever knew and I couldn’t help it. When anger overtakes me, a crimson haze fills my vision, and the rage I hold tightly within me breaks free of my control. My people call me a berserker, and among them I am both honored and feared. Until my light came to me and I let go of my rage and anger. My people laughed and shunned me.  I left content to be with my light.

Next thing I noticed I had entered the woods without realizing it and the moons were rising and the shadows forming. I pull out my amulet and its soft white light begins to guide me through the woods. Into a clearing I went. A fog began to form and visions of a battle a lone figure standing in the mist, shrouded in black the only thing you could see was his gleaming red eyes. He stood there, staring down his opponent. Sky shone in a bloody red color, turning all across the battlefield a rustic red color. My rage returning from the depts. Quicker than any normal person could see, we dashed at one another, the crow unknowingly giving us the signal to begin. Our blades clashed together harshly, sending sparks flying from the force of their blows.  Each fighter seeking to overpower the other.  Seeing that my opponent would not be swayed so easily, I leapt back and threw one of my concealed daggers at my opponent, seeking to end the battle quickly. However, my opponent saw this attack coming, and with quick reflexes leapt out of the way.

I charged with a mighty fury and with a large swing of my sword shattering the ground where he had stood, sending shards of rock flying throughout the air. I tore my sword from the ground, and turned to face my opponent. As I turned, my opponent saw an opening and threw his own blade at me. I didn’t have time to react before the sword whizzed by my head, missing me by fractions of an inch, and embedded itself into the ground.

After recovering from my shock, I grinned, my vision that familiar red haze.

“Give up yet, foolish one?” He asked in a teasing tone.

“Never!” With a bellow of rage at the taunting of his foe, I rushed my rival.  Just before I hit him, though, I swung my sword into the ground and used it to vault over my enemy. Before he could turn around, or attempt to dodge, I smashed my elbow into his back, then grabbed his arm and threw him over my shoulder, sending the being, into the dirt, onto his back.

The being sprung back up and began to swing wildly at me. The being was becoming frustrated that I kept  evading him, and even more frustrated as the being constantly ducked, dodged, and step-sided my attacks by a bare sliver. This frustration became fuel for my power, and soon my attacks came faster and with more power, till the being had extreme hardships trying to dodge my attacks. We kept this dance of death up for hours, till the moons were low into the western skies.

By this time, the battlefield was covered with proof of our fight, boulders cracked and shattered, the pieces scattered in all directions. There were scars in the ground from wayward blows, and yet they still continued to fight. I could not touch this being with my sword, and I couldn’t risk stop dodging long enough to attack. That is, until I noticed a gap in his defenses. He always lifted his sword high before every third strike. Taking a chance, I ducked under his sword as he swung it down, hard, and grabbed his arm when he lifted up to strike another attack. Before he could counter, I twisted his arm, causing his sword to fly out of his hands, and imbed itself into a boulder.

As soon as he saw this, he tried to grab me by the shoulders I swung the being with my might vaulting him in the opposite direction smashing him against a bolder.

Standing up shakily, the man got to his feet.

I did not waste any time I charge severing his head from his body. With a sickening thud the being was dead. Then I collapsed into complete darkness…

something to think about

We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. – Anais Nin

Every kind of ignorance in the world all results from not realizing that our perceptions are gambles. We believe what we see and then we believe our interpretation of it, we don’t even know we are making an interpretation most of the time. We think this is reality. – Robert Anton Wilson

just something to think about its called Reality tunnel. it coincides with the idea of umwelt. “Umwelt is the idea that because their senses pick up on different things, different animals in the same ecosystem actually live in very different worlds. Everything about you shapes the world you inhabit–from your ideology to your glasses prescription to your web browser.” though the term umwelt seems to be applied more to the animal kingdom than to humans, if only because the difference in sensory organs is actually significant as you cross species. reality tunnel is geared more towards us humans. The idea does not necessarily imply that there is no objective truth; rather that our access to it is mediated through our senses, experience, conditioning, prior beliefs, and other non-objective factors. The implied individual world each person occupies is said to be their reality tunnel.

my misadventures in skyrim… my character

Ok I really can’t talk about my last session of skyrim, because it would spoil most of the main storyline and I really don’t to ruin that for anyone that wants to play the game. So I decided that this post I would introduce my character.

Race: Nord
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Class: Warrior Mage
Weapon: Katana and Dagger / Glass Bow
Magcika: Destruction – Main: Chain Lightning Off Hand: Turn Undead
Name: Tabitha Eluvielle

Back story: She grew up in an army camp moving from province to province. At the age of 13 she had witnessed a terrible war killing her father, her mother then moved to Rifton and re-married. Years later she had two other sisters, Anja, and Tonna as well as a brother, Soldin. She being the eldest she took up after her father and became a warrior often leaving home for months living off the land and taking mercenary jobs. When returning back to skyrim the imperials mistook her as stormcloak and sent her to be executed.

Skills: Battle hardened and experienced with the long bow and swords, Tabitha is more than capable of defeating her enemies, while magicka is not her main focus she is capable of using some of the most powerful spells and is currently the Archmage of Winterhold.

Now before we go and make a big deal of it yes my first character is a female. There is not a specific reason behind this. I decided to do a random roll and play that character and so that’s what I doing.  Now that I have logged about 50 hours into this character I have become attached to her. This also has allowed me write about her adventures. I’m glad I went with this setup. I never thought I would get into a game like I do with skyrim. I really enjoy writing about my time in skyrim and hope that my readers enjoy reading my stories. With my new found love I have discovered in fantasy renewed and finding the ability to put that into words to share with everyone has made my life just a little bit more enjoyable.


My misadventures in Skyrim … Pieces of the past

After we had left off last time I had become a champion of an evil spirit of a Daedric prince. well I decided to travel home I had not been home in what seems like ages. back in solitude I decide that I would hide the evil mace in a chest with everything else I have collected and let it be forgotten. I visit with my house companion and find out that our little store has been quite successful and my cut was a large sum of 800 gold pieces! I decide to make my way to the pub, time for some wine and maybe a few wenches!

about half way there I’m stopped by a courier they had some mail and they had been looking all over for me! unsure why they couldn’t have left it at my house I’ll never know.  it was a pamphlet that read:

Silus Vesuius Presents

The Museum of the Mythic Dawn
A History of the Cult that Toppled the Septim Dynasty
Inside of his very own home in the great capital of the Pale, Dawnstar
Free and open to all citizens of Skyrim

now I’m getting junk mail! and I tossed the pamphlet in my bag I had wine on the to-do list! so while in the pub I hear rumors of a town suffering from waking nightmares and I think this is my chance to get back on the right path! I gather my things and go. I took a horse cart to Dawnstar and I start talking to people and no one wants to talk about their dreams … so much for that. then a rumble I looked to the skies. a blood dragon is attacking the town! I ready my spells and join with the people to defend their little town maybe this will help get me on the good side of things! I slay the dragon and reap its soul. However the people are upset with my use of magic. damn I thought, so even they have heard about the mage’s college mishap that brought me into the title of arch mage.

then I remember the museum pamphlet I go to visit the museum where I met,  Silus Vesuius. He offered me a tour of the museum, after which he asked me to retrieve the three pieces of Mehrunes’ Razor. I accepted the quest, he then gave me The Keepers of the Razor which contained his “notes” about the Razor, including information on the locations of the pieces. first was the pommel located at Dead Crone Rock, south west of Markarth. SOB I hate markarth, last time I was there the town framed me for crimes I did not commit. Due to the mountainous terrain, navigating there from Markarth was frustrating to no end! After a short way, where the rocky cliffs on both sides of the path drop back and water can be seen ahead, I encountered several packs of wolves they attacked me. I run a bit being outnumbers 6 to one but seeing as I couldn’t flee I turned on them and was going to “fus ro dah!” them to death only to find out I had the wrong shout equipped it was not “fus ro dah” but was “zul mey gut” which throws my voice it did little to distract the wolves and they pounced on me. I summon forth my chain lighting spell in a last ditch effort and after about 3 lobs the wolves were dead and I on thread of life still standing.

Soon thereafter, I stumbled upon the orc camp Dushnikh Yal where the guard Nagrub engaged me in dialogue telling me to turn back. not a problem I took the wrong turn any way I left and took a mental note for later to come back and slaughter those orshish bastards …

Dead Crone Rock.

Once inside, I ascended a series of tiers, battling Forsworn and mages along the way. At the top of the second flight of stairs, a metal gate must be unlocked, I find the lever and go through the gate and before ascending outside I saved my game. I get to the top where I’m greeted by Drascua a leader of the Forsworn. just standing there waiting I look around, alright I’ve dealt with witches before I take two step only to trip a fire trap that fries me to a crisp. game over I died ….

I reload to my last save I locate all the petty gem traps before moving forward. i take my bow and use arrows to disarm each gem, then taking my katana I dispatch Drascua and take the pommel.

I go to my next task retrieving The Razor’s blade shards are held in the basement vault of Cracked Tusk Keep, a fort occupied by Orc bandits. awesome going to kill me some orcs! The Keep’s exterior was relatively-lightly guarded by orcs, after dispatching those I enter the fort through the front door I am greeted by more guards I Incapacitated them and proceed up the stairs and through the door, where the bandit chief, Ghunzul is. this guy is set up wearing heavy armor and a large sword but no match for my chain lighting I steal his armor and his vault key. I retrieved the shards only to set off yet another trap of arrows that hurt somewhat but not nearly as much with my new shiny armor on!

last but not least was the hilt I had to speak to Jorgen in the town of Morthal. He initially claimed not to have it, and then he admits that he does, and refuses to give it to me. so I bribed him and he gave me his key to his house. shouldn’t have done that. so after getting the hilt I rob him blind and return to Silus. we travel to the Shrine of Mehrunes Dagon. Upon arrival, Silus was unable to get Dagon to repair the Dagger, so he asked me to interact with the shrine. As soon as I did, the daedric prince manifested and demanded that I kill Silus. Silus pleads to me to spare him in return for 500 gold, saying that he will place the pieces of the Razor in a display case in his house. nope I’ve gone this far I want a new dagger … I kill Silus and get the dagger. at this point I am now the champion of two daedric princes. so much for being the people’s hero.

Analog Letters

Do you remember the days prior to the age of email? I remember as a kid I would write letters to friends that moved away. but I am not old enough to remember the time when that was the only way to communicate. In a time filled with electronic data and multitudes of input begging for our attention every day, People take for granted this old way of communication. today we don’t know what it is like to just sit down and actually put ink to paper and write a letter to someone.

In fact I did just this last night I wrote several letters to some friends and sent them via snail mail. I did this in hope that maybe It’s a welcome change to the typical junk that greets them every day but Sundays and holidays. Handwritten letters have that extra touch of personalization and love, if you will. Someone sat down and personally wrote a letter by hand to you and only you. They didn’t type a blanket email that was sent to fifty-seven people, right? Instead, they wrote something just for you. Anyway, I’m getting on a personal campaign to actually write and mail letters. each day I’m sitting at my computer I have my phone right next to me, I’m surrounded by technology each and every day all day long!

so I am trying to get away from it just a little bit each day. that is when I thought I would write some letters!

Dreams, a continuation of an adventure

Ever since I was a little, I have had an active dream life. Vivid dreaming has always been with me. I still remember a few dreams from when I was young. one dream I remember is I was the only one around except for my grandfather he was there but in a trench and he keeps telling me to run and get out of there but I would not abandon him I kept trying to figure out how to get him out. I also clearly remember a vivid dream about hanging off the edge of the world. people standing above looking at me laughing and not attempting to help me. one boy would tell me to just let go, I would never be able to climb up, never make anything of myself and to just end it all for my sake and everyone else.

A lot of people I know hardly ever remember their dreams, but most every night I am lost in the world of my dreams. I never feel rested and wonder if it is because of my double life involving these dreams. Sometimes I have had something happen in a dream and will hit me with a déjà vu feeling and all the images from my dream come rushing back. My dreams can seem so real sometimes. In the past, I spent a lot of time daydreaming. It was as if I was constantly shooting a movie in my head. Maybe there is a connection between my vivid imagination and my dreaming.  I was thinking about one of my dreams the other day and one thing that really struck me was the incredible details that are involved. In my dreams, I visit places that I have never been and it is interesting to me how my mind comes up with these places. I may find myself in a house that in no way resembles a house, but the layout is so specific. I also get a lot of fantasy elements bleed into my dreams as well.

I have wondered if I spent less time in the world of dreams, if I would actually feel well rested. At the same time I also find some sense of comfort in my dreams. It is an escape from everyday reality and sometimes that can be a good thing. Sometimes I have such nice and interesting dreams that stay with me all day, but other times the dream causes me distress because of the negative emotions involved.

last night I had another dream. I was on a lake, a crystal-clear placid lake. There wasn’t even a single ripple on the surface. When I said I was on it I didn’t mean in a boat no I was standing on the water, I wasn’t alone I was there with someone I didn’t recognize who she was, but in my dream I was angry with them and I started looking around. notice smoke rising in a clearing of the forest. I look back at this other person they had grabbed my had and were crying at this point. I still wasn’t listening to her still angry with her she tried to get me to go with her, but I just waved her away. I turned a tear down my cheek, it was a sense of regret, for leaving her however I was still angry.  I grasped my amulet and leaped towards this clearing in the forest as I landed I could tell it was a village being destroyed by a man controlling what appeared to be a golem made of wood.

the man with a grin on his face the wide as a canyon as he watch his creation destroy this village. he saw me and all of a sudden a flash of fear upon his face; his smile gone. he commands his golem to attack me. then all of a sudden I feel the rage just over come me I release my sword from its scabbard and charge the golem. as I’m charging my sword releases a blue flame, I leap I chant a spell I know not the words I said, but with all my might I cleave this massive golem in half. as I land it bust into the same blue flame my sword gives off. the man now with such a look of horror and disbelief is now within arm’s length on me he falls too his knees, and begging for me to spare his life. I look down at him, and I am still so full of this rage. I ask him where will I find the “storms of the shadows, the ones that gave you this power!” he looked at me and said they cannot be found. then I asked him what this village did to deserve the fate he so dared to bring upon them. he told me that before he was blessed with such powers that this town’s people refused to help him in his time of need when his family was taken from him when he was thrown to the streets and forced to beg during the last great war. then someone in the back yelled out why should we have helped someone who refused to share his crops in the time of need during the winters. he looked at me why should I have shared when they could not pay! I took the end of my hit and pressed it against his forehead and said, you deserve less than what I am about to give you. you deserve death but that punishment is to easy for you. upon your head I place this mark you shall not eat, you shall not drink, you shall not die, and you shall not sleep until you have felt the pain you have brought upon these lands 10 fold.  I left him there and walked to a hill. sheathed my sword and the rage inside me began to subside.

I remove my amulet and held it up and it begins to shine and it starts to emit light in the direction I was facing. I notice the village people coming up to speak with me I turn to then raise my hand and say “I did not do this to save you. your village means nothing to me and from what it sounds like this tragedy is just as much as your fault as his. learn from your mistakes.” then I started off in to the forest and that was it I woke up to my alarm.

it was much like a continuation of one of my previous dreams, and writing this down is starting to make my blood boil I want to write another story about characters I have created.  another adventure!