5 years ago. If asked the question what I thought I’d be doing 5 years from that moment … I probably wouldn’t tell you owning a house having to live paycheck to paycheck. Barely making ends meet. Getting screwed over by an employer that completely changed my life for the worse. Back then I was just a student.
Many may argue that it was for the best but I would not. I would tell you that is how my life is one big disappointment after another. When I was a kid I would dream to be some kind of adventurer. I had but one passion adventure … one of my favorite things to do as a kid was to delve into my own world that created a place I could go away from everything in this world.
As I grew older I walked away from that world and stepped into reality I’ve learned what I’m here for. We are all here for a purpose. My purpose seems to fail … every time it feels like I was able to get a step ahead I get throw back down to the bottom of the pit.
I started to notice is about the time I got into college … no matter what I tried I couldn’t get ahead … I started out great but then I met a professor that tried his best to prevent me from graduating this professor graded on how well he thought you deserved to pass … he failed me 3 times in 3 different classes that only this professor taught.
So I had to change my major slightly to bypass those classes. I did manage to graduate in 5 years instead of 4 like I planned. Many of my friends had graduated one year before my … it was high school all over again. After graduation I moved home went to work for Dollar general and was given a management position. Now I didn’t make much money there but I was content. I was able to buy a new car. Then I was offered the best paying job I have ever had. Finally a giant step … I was able to purchase a house and life was good then not 8 months after I was hired … the bastard fired me and ruined my life once again. Thrown back into the pit I start climbing again.
I feel as if I’m just a stepping stone for other people. I feel as though I’m not meant to succeed in anything I do. That my place is to fail so that others can win their way to the top. Someone has to lose not everyone can win the race. I hate feeling like this and writing is one way I vent about my frustrations. That’s one reason I started this blog.
found this in the archive of text/doc files on my backup drives….
As online socialites, we are people who will probably never meet. Since our few contacts are all online and prescribed by the limits of a discussion boards, IMs, and chat rooms. We will not get to know each other as well as people who see each other week after week day after day, able to hear vocal inflections, study body language, and observe caffeine preferences (I’m a Mountain Dew addict myself).
In the movie Shrek, the title character tells his friend the donkey that ogres are like onions; they have layers. I think that is an excellent simile for my personality, selfhood, soul–whatever term you wish to use when examining what makes me an individual. I will explore my layers. Some are paper-thin and fragile, while others are thick, tough, and perhaps even smelly
the first layer I call this my benign indifference layer. Why can’t people mind their own business? I will not tell any woman she should or should not terminate a pregnancy. I also do not care if my neighbor is gay. If these actions are immoral, the people engaging in them will eventually be called to account by a higher power. They don’t need me marching in front of their house with a sign.
My spiritual layer is the next level to explore. I was taught to fear God in the Old Testament sense of the world. I was raised on a steady diet of guilt. I operate on the assumption that almost everything I do is probably racking up debit points on the great eternal tally sheet. Naturally, such an attitude does not make for a happy life. However, after so many years of God-guilt, I have gradually developed a fatalistic view of my relationship with the Almighty. Since I’m never going to be able to measure up to what I’ve been taught I should be, I’ve quit worrying about it. I do the best I can, and if God can truly read all hearts, He/She knows that and will take it into account. If God is the wrathful Jehovah of the Old Testament, I’m screwed.
No matter who or what God is, I suspect that many people have it all wrong. I cannot believe that God approves of beating someone to death because of their sexual orientation. I do not believe that God approves of hijacking a plane and flying it into a skyscraper. I will not believe that slaughtering “heathens” or “heretics” or “unbelievers” will earn anyone a mansion in the sky or a garden full of hot virgins. I think some people are in for an unpleasant surprise when they check in to eternity.
Going deeper, and we run into my heritage. My family is Arabic, Irish, and German. I unfortunately have all the prejudices that were conveniently handed down to me. I loathe all kinds of people, but usually individuals, not groups. In my family, our greatest contempt is reserved for what we call “trash”, and I truly don’t care if that trash is white, brown, or green. If the people on the Jerry Springer Show are not actors, they should all be sterilized and sent to work on a collective somewhere. There is no excuse for living like your life goal is to be featured on America’s Most Wanted. My family is poor, but we worked and stayed out of trouble. We didn’t spend our time fighting, drinking, and sleeping with our neighbor’s wife. Because of my family background, I do not have the sympathy for the poor that I should have. On one hand, I don’t think anyone in this country should have to go to bed hungry or cold. On the other hand, stupid decisions lead to lousy consequences. The old cliché about welfare mothers using food stamps to buy Twinkies has a grain of truth in it; I’ve worked in a convenience store and witnessed that behavior. In fact, I’ve worked a great many places that I would rather have avoided, but I’ve always felt that if I didn’t take care of myself, no one else would. I’m probably smarter than many poor people, so perhaps it’s unfair for me to expect them to make good choices.
In conclusion, I’m probably like most people, sort of all right and sort of a jerk. I expect that my self will continue to evolve somewhat for as long as I live, but I do not expect to wake up tomorrow and discover that I am some holy being. In other words, it may be too much to expect that the onion layers will ever turn to rose petals.
So i had to go to the grocery store after work to buy bread … ok not a difficult task. However the entire city of Hays decided to all go shopping at the same time. so i go swimming through the people at dillons i hate it we its so busy you have to keep moving or get ran over by shopping kart wielding soccer moms or little old ladies in motorized karts.
as i find my way to the bread pickup my 78 cent wheat bread loaves. then remember i need to go grab some sour cream since im having baked potatoes for dinner. i have to make three detours because people think its important to block the aisles and stand there and talk to each other. ok by this time im getting enraged because it shouldn’t be this difficult to get bread and sour cream. i head to the front to the check outs.
the lines are freaking long so i find the shortest as im waiting i notice a display the “big” boxes of mike and ikes as i lean over to grab a box. this lady come rushing in and try to cut in front of me like i was moving out of the way or something. when she notices im not moving she stops but doesnt back away. so here i am standing figuratively with a shopping kart full of groceries up my ass … i try to move forward a bit but as i move the lady behind me move closer!? no respect to my personal space. this is when i lose it … i turn around and not so nicely ask the lady to “remove the kart from my ass and give me some space or im going to remove if for her.” she looked at me flabbergasted then backed up about 6 inches i put my stuff up on the check out, pay for my stuff, and got the hell outta town.
I am a pessimist. I am generally happy, because I don’t expect much to begin with.
I predict the worse and think of the unthinkable. On the downside, I drive others crazy and constantly analyze what will or can go wrong with any situation. I am always prepared for the worst. In my world things are more likely to go wrong than right, and they do.
We are what we are.