Fate as defined in the Webster’s Dictionary is “That which inevitably happens as though determined by force”. If this is what fate means then I believe that everyone has a predetermined fate or destiny that will happen. It seems that you do not decide your future but it is already decided for you and you just have to deal with it because you have no control over what is going to happen. more specifically … I’m referring to what is happening in my life right now. Everything is working against me in every decision I make. I believe it is my destiny to fail, many of you out there will most likely disagree with me which is fine I wont argue with you.

Failure can be a devastating blow to our self esteem and most often we rationalize our cause of failure to be something external other than ourselves. No one wants to admit failing so it’s easier to blame extenuating circumstances. It’s the government, my boss, or the economy that caused me to fail, but if we dig deeper I think we’ll find that we don’t like others to see us as a failure. How many times have you heard someone or yourself say they couldn’t care what others think? In most situations, people do care what others think.

people who have failed numerous times keep on trying because their desire to succeed is greater than the thought of quitting, but are they successful if they keep failing because they don’t quit? those who do quit because their self worth can’t stand the disapproval of failure. Are they really unsuccessful for quitting and accepting their inability to succeed?

I ask myself everyday “why do I keep trying to change what cannot be changed” you think I asked to be harassed by bill collectors? I made a choice over a year ago to accept a job that was going to change my life. well it did it was another failure to add to my long list of failing choices over my life. I knew back before I decided to take that job that it was going to be a bad decision. I didn’t listen to that voice telling me not to accept it. now you might be saying you cannot know what the future holds; I’m saying you can, and once you know that path accept it.

For me every decision I make will be a failing choice. I will never make it any higher on the ladder I’m at my highest and I’m accepting that fate. I am giving up I’m quitting. I am tired of fighting it, just going to lay down and watch those pass me by that have been given the ability to succeed because with out me here to fail they wouldn’t be able to succeed. YOUR WELCOME no need to thank me I’m just glad my failures is your success.

yes failure is an option, however, for me its absolute. that’s why I was put here on this earth to fail so that others can succeed.

between the financial stress i’m going through since i had lost my job back in march for 4 months has caught a bit of a strain on me. but i was always able to to use my art to sooth that and keep me sane. Now, however, i’ve burned myself out on my artwork and cant seem to get a grip on it anymore. it seems like im trying to hard and i keep trying to come up with excuses as to why i cant create. so im taking a break from my digital creativeness and im going to try and seek out through some long needed meditation my muse and inspiration. there is a reason im going through this i just need to sit down and figure it out and quit trying so hard.

my goal is to be able to come up with something by the end of this next weekend i have a 3 day weekend coming up and im planning on kicking this artist block and get back to creating again. ill be posting a podcast later to go into more detail

I really need to start writing more on this blog. I think I have alot of good information and ideas built up.  I just need to get them out in some form.

so that being said, if anyone read this blog anymore, shoot me some ideas what would you like to read about what is it you want to know about? It can be anything … apparently my photos are a lost cause at the moment … since I’ve no batteries for my camera and i keep forgetting to get some =P.  not a lot has happened in my life I’m really just going to work and come home go to bed that’s my day not too exciting I’m really wanting something to change for the better in my life but I’m not exactly sure what that is.

a change is needed that is for sure, because i’m starting to get depressing thoughts and those are never good. not only have i been feeling really down about things my artwork has come to a stop because i have seem to lost my muse, my inspiration.

one thing i think that has curved my writing a bit is the fact that i have quit paying any attention to news/media outlets. no more NPR, Newspapers, online news, or any other media outlet. it seems every time i would listen/read anything it would A). piss me off  B). depress me even more.  they dont report anything good its all about fear anymore that is how they control us is by; fear.

I havnt been playing any video game lately either mainly because i really have nothing to do with them. Guild Wars has pretty much run out of stuff for me to do im now jsut waiting for Guild Wars 2 to come out. so i have find my self playing some old school 8 bit super mario brothers 3 .. haha probably my second favorite NES game right behind Legend of Zelda.

welp that is about it for now.