I every once in a while, feel like I’m not in my body, but watching it. I might be having a conversation, but that’s not actually me, not my consciousness. my consciousness, stuck in my brain racking over a conversation I had a week ago, a month ago, at some point in my life. searching for a hidden meaning, thinking of a better comeback, analyzing why I said what I said.
Hopefully this is making some semblance of sense, I get the feeling sometimes that the English language simply doesn’t contain the words to explain some things.
This experience leads to an overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
This usually happens at periods of high stress in my life and I will be stuck in this vision for days on end just racking over numbers, events, conversations I had weeks ago, and other things from my memories that I have long forgotten. its like my brain decided to sift through its data and comes to a crawl because nothing ever makes sense of it at all.
Even sitting here trying to write this it becomes hard to concentrate because my mind tends to go on a tangent I find myself wandering back into that world that sits just out side of reality. sometimes (more like once in a blue moon) these feelings I have lead to some kind of inspiration for my art or writings. Most of the time they do not, but aide to my insomnia. thoughts race through my mind at a blink of an eye. sometimes they are clear others are blurred like a speeding train. this sense of restlessness is what keeps me awake trying to figure out: why am I thinking about this, why did I do that, why cant I solve this puzzle…. it infuriates me because I cant make sense of it.
after awhile everything goes dark and it passes but the time frame to getting to this darkness varies it can be mere seconds to days ill be stuck in this trance. I am sure I’m not the only one that experiences this but sometimes it feels like I am and no one to talk too…